She Talks to Angels
by Quarried Times
Summary: Its more than difficult to love someone who you've already killed. TerraRoxas/AkuRoku. AU.
1. Some Call It Love

**-:: She Talks to Angels ::**-

**Disclaimer:**

I do not own any of the characters in Kingdom Hearts or Final Fantasy. They are the property of Squeenix.

**Warning!**

This is Yaoi, also know as boy love. If you don't like it then I suggest you get your little butt out of here because this isn't the story for you. The main pairing is Roxas x Axel but there is Terra x Roxas as well. Lots of bad language, sex, non-consensual rape, and plenty of drug use is ahead. Also, Axel is a cradle robber. 'Nuff said.

**PS **

If you like it, please review. It really helps. If you don't like it, then of course, you don't have to review. Haha. Hope you enjoy.

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**Chapter One**

_Some Call It Pain_

x-x

* * *

I was blazed out of my mind for the third time that week. Yeah, like, I felt great. Felt like nothing in the whole goddamn world could even touch me. Felt like I was free, like I could fly above the trees and the stupid people around them. I felt strong and powerful, like I was on top of the world. And I was.

I'm up so fucking high. How the hell had I gotten so high in the first place? Eh, I blame the ecstasy. Or did I take heroin? Whatever the fuck it was, it was great, hey—could I jump? Would jumping hurt me?

"Hey, Roxas!"

Hayner, that fucking idiot. What the hell is he yelling at me for?

"Jump you asshole!" He's laughing like a hyena. So annoying...

"Shut the fuck up!" I yell back to him, he looks like an ant. Silly ant, I could squash him if I jumped on him just right...

"You'll be like a birdy, Roxy! Trust me!" God, he called me Roxy…ugh. He knows how much I hate that. And why in the hell would I _ever_ trust him?

"Shut up! Call me that again, why don't you?" He pisses me off; can't he just let me enjoy my high?

"Come down here and maybe I will…while I fuck the shit out of you!"

Fuck him; he's messing with me again. He'd never say that sober.

"I'm defiantly not coming down now." That was more to myself, he can't hear from all the way down there anyways. I'll just sit up here on this hill for the rest of my life. That wouldn't be so bad, living on a hill. No more worries, no assholes to ruin my day, no jerk-offs to fuck around with me. It'd be complete and utter—

"Roxaa-aaas!"

"What?"

"Police!"

Oh shit. Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit ohhhh shit. Get down, get down now! Jump!

Fuck! Fuck! Goddamn fucking leg, shit. "Hayner!" He's nowhere! FUCK! That bastard! He took off without me! Oh my God, sirens. Oh God, I can't even move, shit that hurts!

Wait—cops. They'll take me home, won't they? Like, home, where I can chill. I wanna chill…and eat ice cream. Ohhh shit, yes, ice cream and I'm gunna need something for my leg, it's all busted up, oh shit. Is that blood? Heh, it's a really pretty color…like red wine or licorice. I fucking hate licorice. It looks like intestines and tastes like apples dipped in medicine. It's gross; I don't see how anyone could actually eat it like its candy…crunch, crunch, mmm, intestines.

"_Roxas_…is that you? What the fuck?" Who's that…? "What happened to your leg? Don't tell me you jumped from the cliff? That's a fucking long fall. Are you high or something?"

"As a kite, man." God, I don't care who it is as long as it's not the cops. Well cops usually don't know me by name…well; there are a few I guess, heh, Jesus. At least I'm good at tripping those idiots up.

"What are you doing high again, dude? Thought you were cutting back on that shit…"

"All I heard was high and cutting, hey—you got a knife?" Kinda feel like slicing something up…

"Sorry, I don't carry knives around, Roxas. Lets get you home, alright?"

Brown hair…all spiky and stupid, oh it's Terra. It would be Terra, always walking around the cemetery at night like a creeper. Or, it's probably for his sister…didn't she like, get ran over by a car or something?

Doesn't matter anyways. "I wanna go to your house. Where are the police anyways…?" The sirens just stopped…wow. All that fuss for nothing and now I probably have a broken leg cause of Hayner and his big ass fucking mouth. He's probably still running off somewhere. What a douche bag.

"The cops? Oh, some drove by, wasn't for you though. And _my_ house, Roxas, really? My parents might as well take you in, they feed you enough."

Heh, I wouldn't mind living with Terra, his 'rents cook like gods. "So I can sleep over?"

"I think you need to get to a hospital to have that leg checked out. Shit, but you're intoxicated as all hell. You can tell just by looking at your pupils, they're huge."

"They feel huge—do you have ice cream at your place? I don't care about my leg, I just want ice cream." It doesn't hurt anymore anyways, I want creamy fucking ice. Haha, he looks like he's about to punch me.

"I'll get you ice cream; can you just get up off the ground so I can take you to the car?"

Whatever, he said ice cream I'm getting up. Yeah, okay never mind, ow. "Carry me, Terra." I sound like a little kid, why the hell is he so much taller than I am? What am I a midget or something?

"I swear to God, Roxas…the shit I do for you."

Yeah he is a good friend to me. God, his arms are huge…and he's…really beautiful. I wouldn't mind eating ice cream off of him…

"Get in. I'll stop by the store and get you your damn ice cream. What kind do you want?"

"Terra flavored, please." Sounds great to me, maybe with some strawberries on top, whipped cream…oh God, hot fudge.

"Here we go again…You say some stupid shit when you're not really there, ya know?"

"I'm here and I want you." Really, I don't want anything else but him right now. Ice cream can wait; I'd rather lick his—

"What are you _on_…?" His eyes are like fucking blue moons. If moons could _be_ blue…maybe they can be, they're just inside of him. The only two blue moons in existence and he has them implanted into his skull. I want them.

Damn I forgot what he said. "What? Hey can you turn on some music?"

The good thing about Terra is that he always has my favorite CD's on hand. Fuck yeah, Motion City Soundtrack.

"Let's get fucked up and die, I'm speaking figuratively of course like the last time that I committed suicide…Social suiciiiiideee…" God, is my voice always this awful?

"Roxas you sound like a choking cat…"

"Shut the fuck up, I don't see you singing."

"That's because you can't _see_ people singing, Roxas. You hear them."

"Suck it, Terry." My dick is already hard, he might as well.

"Think I'll pass kiddo. Statutory just isn't my kinda thing."

"Awe come on, you're only like what…two years older than I am?" Right? Uhh…I'm…shit, how old am I?

"Three–you were close. But me being eighteen makes everything I do to you illegal."

"I'm good at keeping secrets." Well, when I want to be. Actually I kind of suck at it. I couldn't keep a secret if I was paid to.

"Yeah well I'm not. I'd wanna brag about you."

Fuck, he should really not say shit like that to me while I'm this high. Screw it; we could have sex in the car. It's small but I'm small, he'd just have to fit somehow.

"Terra, can you pull over?" I want it, fuck, no, I _need_ it.

Don't look at me like that…"Roxas, no. You know I have Aqua and you know I don't swing that way."

"Then don't joke around with me! You know how I am; I don't want to be fucked with!" Bastard. Fucking bastard! I don't give a shit about his damn girlfriend; she can go rot in hell for all I care. Her and her stupid blue hair. Who the hell dyes their hair blue? She looks like a washed up mermaid on crack.

"…I'm sorry. You're real touchy, I get it. I'm gunna get you your ice cream, you can eat and sleep at my house, alright?"

"I don't want ice cream anymore. Take me home."

"Uhh, Roxas, your mom will kill you, you know?"

"I'd like to see her try! That bitch needs a wake up call; maybe I'll break _her_ leg too." Terra doesn't even have room to speak about my mother. Goddamn whore of a woman.

"…You're not going home. We're almost to my house anyway."

"Are your parent's home?"

"No, why?"

"I don't want to be around anyone else, especially parents."

And here I am, ten minutes later, sitting on Terra's couch, sucking on an ice-pop and not his dick. Which for some reason is really upsetting. I can get practically any guy's dick in my mouth that I please and Terra is the only one that evades me. He thinks he's straight but he doesn't know what I know. Like I've never seen him flirting with guys at school or my friends. As if I've never seen him checking out some gay porn on his laptop when he thought I was sleeping. That bitch of a girlfriend is only a cover-up. I could help him if he'd just _work_ with me.

"How's the popsicle?"

Speak of the devil; he's finally done doing whatever the hell he was doing. About time. "A dick would be better."

"I'm sure." I'm sure you're sure. "Here I got some stuff for your leg; I'm no nurse so uhh…"

"I need to take my pants off." Fuck yeah; these things are too tight anyway.

"Roxas… Jesus, slow down! I could have just rolled them up…"

Ahhh…freedom… "I don't see the point of pants anyways. I say boxers all day long." Haha, he's trying not to look at my erection.

"Whatever, Roxas. Just stay still alright? If it hurts I don't care. It's your own damn fault."

"Alright, just try to control yourself."

He did, the whole time, and now I'm even more pissed off.

"Don't go jumping off anymore cliffs, alright? I don't think it's broken. Your ankle looks swollen so that might be sprained, other than that the cuts aren't so bad, you'll be fine."

"Great, so I'm fine. You're fine. And we have the house to ourselves. I think that calls for something special."

"How about sleep? It's almost two in the morning."

"Can I sleep with you?"

"On the floor, sure."

"No, I meant in your bed."

He can't resist me. He won't. I mean I'm practically sitting here half naked asking him for sex. He can't refuse me.

"If…you can behave."

Score. Oh I'll behave–_sexually_ behave.

"Wipe that smirk off your face and go wash up, you look like shit."

Bastard, I look amazing, dunno what he's talking about. Shit, walking hurts. God, I suck at limping–ow! Shit, yeah that's a wall, Roxas, not a door. Bathroom…bathroom…uh, where's his bathroom? "Terra! Where's your bathroom again?"

"Wow, Roxas. Cut back on the drugs, please, they make you stupider than you already are. First and _only_ door on your right."

"Thanks, asshole." God…he was right, I look like I just had sex in the mud. That's…kinda hot. Hot, muddy sex. Fuck, boner. I'm so done with this being horny shit. The second I get in Terra's bed I'm fucking him. Like he won't even have time to know what's going on, my dick is going inside of him. Oh my God, it'll feel amazing. I know it will. Being inside of Terra…he'll be tight as all hell and shit we don't have any lube…I'll just have to get him to spit. It's not like I'm gunna hurt him too bad anyway, I'm not huge. I wonder how big he is…holy shit, I want to see it. I will see it.

Now all I have to do is find his room and I'll be all set. Shit, he's already in bed.

"Did you wash up too?"

"Used the other bathroom, come here, you'll be like a big teddy bear."

Oh hell no, I am not being the bitch here. "I'd rather _you_ be my teddy bear."

"Little close, Rox. And uh, your side of the bed is over there."

"Would you shut up for two seconds? Just let me do what I want."

"R-Roxas! Stop, I told you to behave!"

Yeah like you don't like me touching your dick. "Just calm down, you'll like it, trust me, Terra."

"Stop, I don't need this shit right now."

"Your dick is telling me otherwise."

"Roxas, you're high! Get the fuc—"

Oh my God, his lips taste amazing…come on…show me your tongue. Open your mouth, baby…ha, there. Oh shit…my dick is throbbing. His…is too. I fucking _knew_ it. Bastard was trying to play coy; I knew he liked the cock.

Now I just need you to open those legs…

"Haaa…Roxas, get…off…"

"Or what?"

"I'll kick you out…"

"You wouldn't. And if you want up so badly, just push me off, you're a lot stronger than I am."

Shit, I really hope he doesn't try that…

"Fuck you." Wow, he looks so pissed…its hot.

"You're…just pissy because you're realizing that you don't like girls as much as you like boys, admit it."

"…"

"I'm trying to help you, dammit, look at me!"

"…Don't touch me."

"I'll touch you if I fucking please, you little bitch." Why is he being like this? He needs to realize that this is meant to happen. Us having sex will help him figure everything out, he'll be able to dump that dirty whore and start living.

"I hate you."

What…? What the fuck…did he just say? He…hates me, huh? Hates…me. "If you…hate me so much…kill me."

"Y-you…don't deserve to die, Roxas. You need help…"

"I don't need any help, I need to die."

"Roxas…Roxas, where…are you going?"

"To die…" Death, God it sounds even better than sex. Eternal bliss. Nothing but endless nothing. Where the hell does he keep his knives…Hmmm, his Dad's room.

Holy Jesus, I knew his Dad had knives but a gun…wow. I've never used one before, you just pull the trigger and…

"Oh my god…Roxas, put the gun down."

Affliction, it'll be over.

"Roxas…"

Everything…gone.

"Roxas, please…"

Terra…he won't hate me anymore, because I'll be gone. He'll be sad. Ha, I want to see him cry. Weep for the rest of his existence.

"Cry for me, Terra. Death is a beautiful thing."

"_NO_!"

The sound of that gun echoed in my ears that night for longer than I had planned.

**_One year later…_**

"What is the price to pay for another human life? What can you give in return for the one that has been lost? Is there any equivalent exchange for existence? ...What the fuck kinda questions are these?"

I shrugged behind the book perched on my leg, reading the same sentence over again. I could only listen to what Hayner was reading off, some health class paper I think. Whatever it was it gave me chills…

"Fuck school. Can't believe all of my teachers gave me homework on the first day. I mean come on! Bastards have nothing better to do but grade papers? Sometimes I don't even think teachers have lives at all." Hayner was ranting again, I tried to ignore him. Tried to ignore everything.

"Hey Rox?" He poked my leg with a pencil–that I couldn't ignore. "Let's do something tonight."

I decided to humor him. "Like what?"

"Pretty sure Seifer's got some stuff we could buy."

"Hayner, we're broke." He promised he'd get a job that summer–didn't happen. Though I didn't get one either…

"Oh, the price we pay!" God, he was so loud sometimes. "Roxy, we have all the money in the _world_ to Seifer."

"Hell. No." I knew exactly what he was talking about and fuck if I was going to give _anything_ to Seifer of all people.

He pouted, something he was good at. "Come on, Rox. Seifer likes me enough, but if you were there too…he'd be willing to give almost anything if you—"

"Why don't _you_ go fuck him, huh? That asshole doesn't care as long as it's younger boys. Don't bring me into this." I didn't want anything to do with Seifer or any of his friends.

"You're sucha buzz kill…ever since that Terra kid—"

I couldn't help it, as soon as he said that name I threw my book at him.

"Owch, shit Roxas, that's a _history _book! That's like thirty poun—"

"You fucking _know_ how I feel about that! Don't. Ever. Bring. Him. Up." I was standing by that point, fuming over Hayner and his newly forming bruise.

"Calm down, Jesus…" He clutched onto his arm, I could see it throbbing. Good, he deserved it.

I sat back down, almost ready to grab all my shit and leave. But I really didn't want to go back home…

"Alright, Seifer's a no-go…I could possibly get some alcohol from Riku next door. Hang on, I'll text him."

I said nothing as Hayner whipped out his cell, typing like mad on the small keyboard. I decided to check my own phone. Zero messages—figures. I held my phone as Hayner began talking again, staring at the wallpaper of a rainbow star, pretending to be busy while he spoke.

"We can just get wasted here; my mom won't be home for another few days anyways, as you know."

"Uh huh."

"…Riku said he's got a six pack of Smirnoff, two cases of beer and a cut! …That he's saving for a party…"

"Smirnoff sounds great," I finally replied, scrolling through the pictures on my phone.

"Damn I'm gunna have to mow that bastard's lawn at least twenty more times to pay for all I've ever bummed off of him." Hayner laughed as he got up from the couch, walking towards the door he left me without another word.

"_He's gone_?"

"Yeah."

"_Why do you insist on hanging out with that ass? You could do so much better…_"

"Ha, like what? Befriend _nuns_? You do realize that the whole world is full of people like Hayner, won't change a thing if I hang out with someone else."

"_You're really difficult, you know that, right?_"

"So sue me."

"…_He…mentioned my name._"

"I got scared, I'm sorry…"

"_It's whatever; I don't mind that people remember me, Rox. Kind of makes me feel like I was at least important in some way._"

"Of course you were important!" I stood up and faced him, cerulean eyes staring into cold, transparent ones. "Don't ever think you weren't."

He blinked and smiled, though I could barely see, like always. "_Thanks, kiddo._"

"The party has arrived!" Hayner burst through the door, scaring the shit out of me and making me sit down as if I had bricks in my pants. I glanced at him, seeing the alcohol in his arms. I had the sudden urge to throw up.

"Here, catch." Hayner tossed me a bottle and it almost hit my face.

I glared at him and he cackled, plopping himself down on the sofa. He then propped his feet up and downed a whole glass in less than twenty seconds.

I slowly undid the cap and swallowed down most of it quickly. It tasted like Sprite, that's why I didn't mind Smirnoff; it was like soda that…got you fucked up.

"Only three for each of us, think we'll get drunk enough?"

"You–no. Me–maybe a little." Hayner had been drinking since he was like, two. I was only going on two years.

He laughed and stood up. "Come on asshole, let's go have a smoke."

I got up and followed him towards the backyard, reaching into my jean pocket for my pack of Newport's. Hayner lit up as soon as he stepped outside, inhaling deep and drinking shortly after. Yeah I know smoking sucks but it was the only thing that kept me sane so I did it. It's not like I cared if my lungs got screwed up, that was the least of my worries.

We both stood, staring at the stars for quite some time, me just finishing my drink while Hayner was going on his third, yeah he'd brought them all out with him. It didn't surprise me, nothing surprised me with Hayner. So when he turned towards me and forced his lips on mine I thought nothing of it. Soon he grabbed a hold of my hair in the hand with his cigarette, setting his glass down so he could take hold of my waist. I was more worried that he'd burn my hair rather than slip his tongue into my mouth. More concerned that he'd knock over his drink and start bitching or that someone would see us. No, I didn't mind much that he was wrapping himself around me; I just went along with it. It wasn't anything really, just a kiss and some humping…

"Nngh…Rox…"

"You're not even drunk, shut the fuck up."

"Come on; let's have a little fun, huh? You never like to have fun anymore."

"No thanks."

"Oh, lighten up. I bet I could make you come, how longs it been, hmm? At least a month or so..."

"I'm seriously _not_ in the mood, Hayner." Really, I wasn't. I hardly had enough to drink for any of this and even if I did, doing shit with him just…never did anything for me. Nothing ever did anything for me anymore.

"Don't make me have to rape my best friend…" He seemed serious and sarcastic at the same time. It was really hard to tell with Hayner sometimes.

I quickly shoved him off of me, "I won't. See ya tomorrow," and walked back inside, grabbing my book bag and stuffing everything inside of it.

He was behind me, trying to grab hold of my wrist but I was moving it too fast. "Roxas, come on, you don't have to leave…"

"It's already midnight, I'm getting tired."

"Bull_shit_ you are! Would you tell me the goddamn truth for once instead of lying to me like some asshole I can't trust?"

I stared at him, his eyes were drooping but he looked like he meant what he was saying. I didn't lie to him, much. Just when I had to, like now. "Text me when you're sober."

I left before he had a chance to retaliate.

* * *

"It's six in the morning, wake the fuck up!" was what my alarm was practically screaming into my ear the next day. Now I could lie to you and say that I was a morning person, that I loved the sun and the warmth it brought with it. That I adored waking up, bright eyed and bushy tailed every fucking morning for school. But I'm trying to cut back on lying.

"Fuck…my…liiiife…" I moaned, searching for the damned snooze button. I was trying to remember if my alarm clock even had one. After what seemed like hours of it ringing in my ear I finally pushed the thing off of my bedside table, causing it to crash to the floor and unplug. Peace and quiet filled the room once again, but it wasn't for long.

"Wakey, wakey brother of mine!"

"Sora, I swear to Jesus Christ and the all mighty and powerful Gods that rule over this piece of rock we call earth, if you jump on my bed I will beat your ass into the next life."

"Oh, Roxas. Verbal as always I see."

My brother, Sora. Well step brother. Yeah, Cathy remarried. Again. After what, like the sixth time? I lost track after I severed ties with her as a mother and a human being. Sora ended up living here, along with his dad—Tim I think—who moved in too. I never saw much of his father though, I kind of just figured he worked a lot like Cathy did or he was always with the woman too much to care about his son. Anyways, I never took the time to talk to Sora about it. Besides, sitting down and talking to Sora—yeah it didn't happen very often. He'd just end up getting up and talking, while walking and doing fifty other things at the same time then he'd just forget what the hell we were talking about in the first place. Point is I didn't bother.

"Mom told me to wake you up, she said you were late the first week of school last year and she doesn't want that to happen again." See, Sora was what you would call a "good kid". Always followed the rules, always kept up with things, always did things right. Then there was me, the exact opposite. I also found it kind of funny the way he called my mother "mom", when I didn't even bother.

"Well you can go tell _mom_ to suck my dick." I rolled over, pulling the covers over my face. God, why couldn't I be eighteen yet? I'd so drop out of school and get my own apartment or something…so sick of being told what to do.

"That's disgusting, Roxas."

"Your _face_ is disgusting."

"Ugh just get up alright? I made pancakes."

He quickly ran out of my room, leaving silence behind. It's not like I didn't like Sora. I actually enjoyed his company, his friendship. Someone who wasn't completely fucked up in the head that I could talk to, that's why I called him my brother. We probably could have been birth brothers anyway; our eyes were the exact same color of bright blue. Also the fact that we were the same age and same height made us practically twins. Complete opposite though, just reminding you.

And he could cook. Another reason to tolerate his annoying demeanor. And as soon as I caught the aroma of his cooking I was out of my room, not caring that I was in only my boxers. It was only Sora and I anyway, the devil woman worked all through the daylight hours, thank god.

"Nice to see that you took the time to get dressed," Sora said sarcastically. I flipped him the bird as I took a seat and he rolled his eyes.

"Pancake, now," I demanded, holding out my hands like a child asking for candy.

Sora took no time slapping me over the head before using the spatula to place a pancake straight into my hands. "Fuck! Hot! Damnit, Sora!"

"Next time say please and maybe ask for a plate as well." He waved a paper plate in his hand in front of my face. I glared and snatched it from his hands, placing the pancake on it.

As I ate the round piece of cooked dough with only my fingers I thought of how Sora was practically my parent. He cooked for me, did my laundry and scolded me like a two year old…

"Shit," I said quietly out loud.

"What? Is it bad?" Sora asked with a hint of terror.

I shook my head. "Naw, your cooking is always amazing, Sora."

He smiled then, that big stupid grin that always made me feel like I had to smile back. I didn't though, just finished up and ran back upstairs.

"I'm heading out in less than ten, you better hurry up!" Sora called from downstairs as I was fitting myself into my jeans. Fuckin' styles, the pants were so tight I could barley breathe in them, but I looked so good. I slipped on a checkered polo before entering the bathroom, fixing up before I grabbed my book bag and flew back downstairs.

"Ready, lets go," I said out of breath.

Sora shook his head and put on his shoes, I followed him quickly out the door. For some reason the birds chirping and the sun just coming over the horizon made me want to shoot all of the birdies and curl back up in my bed. I was really a night kind of person…

"Hurry up, Roxas! School isn't going to wait for you!" Sora was already at least twenty feet ahead of me. Goddamnit, doing this yesterday was enough, now twice in a row? It was just too much…too much for my fragile, little heart. I mean seriously…what the—?

"Hello, Roxas."

Ah, Hayner. Just what I needed. It kinda sucked a lot that we lived so fucking close…

"Or should I call you Ditch-as?"

"That's real clever, Hayner. Only you forgot to take into consideration that I don't give a shit."

"Sometimes I wonder why we're even friends at all." I didn't look at him but I could tell by just listening that he was giving me that stupid glare. The one that he tries so hard to make look angry and mean but ends up looking stupid and retarded

I kept on walking, ignoring him. I was tired, ornery and downright not in the mood for a guilt trip that I didn't even deserve.

"Every single time I get good shit you leave without even a goodbye. I bend over backwards for you and you won't even give me a second glance! …Jesus, fucking _look_ at me, man!" That was when he jumped out in front of me. I couldn't help it; I glared back at him, this time without even wanting to laugh at his stupid face. If only he knew the shit I was going through. If only he fucking understood at least a tiny bit about what happened and the reasons I ditch, the reasons I don't feel normal around him anymore, why I couldn't do hardcore shit with him.

But he couldn't know, that would only make things worse.

"Get off my dick, you're pissing me off." So the only option left was to be an asshole to everyone, especially Hayner. Too bad that only kept him coming back for more.

"Fine. I don't give a shit anymore; do whatever the fuck you want, Roxas." He was walking away, only around the seventh time I'd had to watch him do that. Really, this was getting ridiculous. I needed a new best friend and fast.

* * *

_Tap. Tap. Tap. Nudge..._

"_Roxas, wake up, you're gunna get in trouble."_

Ugh…Terra? Stop, I'm so tireddd…

"Roxas, wake up and get to the office."

Goddamit…seriously? I was just napping! Is that fucking illegal?

"Now." The tall, annoying history teacher looked pissed but I bet I looked even worse.

"Fuck this shit…" I slowly got up from the desk and left the classroom. It wasn't even lunch and I'd already gotten yelled at and for what? Being tired? Oh, damn, guess I shouldn't be a teenager. My fucking bad. Next time I'll think before I try and sleep.

"Roxaaas, where ya headed?"

This day just kept getting better and better.

Seifer didn't slow down even though I glared like the pissed off teenager I was.

"I don't fucking know–anywhere but here."

"Skipping? Mind if I tag along? I'm bored as hell." I saw a pass in his hand, obviously he just went out to get a drink or go to the bathroom.

I wasn't even really thinking of leaving until he appeared and suggested it.

"_No, Roxas. Stay in school." _

"What are you, the police? Get off my back…"

"What?" Seifer looked at me questionably. Sometimes I forgot that it was only in _my_ head…

"Nothing. Sure let's go."

"_You're such a child…" _

Terra needed to realize that just because it happened didn't mean I was a good kid. Didn't mean I had changed. Didn't mean that I was going to try and fix my life. It only meant that now I had another voice in my head and could sometimes see the ghost of the boy that I murdered.

There really wasn't anywhere to go without being caught by the cops so Seifer took me to this place where some older kids hung out. I guess you could describe it as a kind of hangout/hideout. I didn't even know they still existed…

There were around fifteen to twenty people there, girls and boys alike, all so much taller and more nonchalant than I could ever hope to be. Some were playing pool, others poker or some kind of black jack I guessed. A few were in the corner smoking something from a blunt. The smell made me want to pass out.

Seifer quickly slinked his arm around my waist when we entered, placing his hand in my back jean pocket which gave my gut a sinking feeling.

"So Seifer, you finally decided to show your face around here again," a pink haired man said, I guessed he was sort of the leader. He sounded abrupt enough.

The teen attached to me shrugged and squeezed me tighter to his side like a bag he was afraid of getting stolen. "I know it's been awhile, Marly, but you guys missed me, didn't cha?"

A chuckle erupted in the dim lit place, followed by Pinky glancing at me. Bright blue eyes scrutinized me and I felt like running away.

"_Run, Roxas. Please, I have a bad feeling about all this. You shouldn't be here!"_

I don't think Terra has even sounded that scared before…maybe I really shouldn't be here…

"Yes, Seifer, we all missed you terribly. Now, who is your friend?"

Seifer grinned, holding me even tighter, if that was possible. "His name's Roxas."

"He's quite the arm candy."

"Isn't he though?"

"Fuck you, Seifer," I spat, attempting to move out of his vice grip. He just held on tighter, making it impossible for me to even shift without something hurting.

"Maybe later, kiddo."

Pinky laughed which made me want to spit in his face. "How cute. You are welcome here, Seifer and guest." He then left to go back to what he was doing, as did everyone else…except…

"Who is that?" I asked without even feeling the words come out of my mouth.

Seifer raised an eyebrow and glared at the redhead who I couldn't take my eyes off of. "Hmph, Axel. He's a bastard, stay away from him."

"Why? What'd he do to you?" I was curious. Why? I have no clue. Maybe because of the way those green eyes kept glancing at me. Why was he looking at me so often? Why didn't he continue smoking?

"Fucked my boyfriend the day after they were introduced."

"Oh," was all that came out of my mouth. The statement kind of threw me off. The redhead didn't look like such a bad guy. Sure, he seemed a little rough around the edges but so did everyone here. Maybe…I fit in here in some weird kind of way…

"_No you don't, Roxas. You're not like these guys." _

"Maybe…"

"_No maybes." _

"Maybe what?"

"Maybe he's not so bad," I covered quickly. "Maybe he was just in love."

Seifer scoffed. "At first sight? Give me a break, Roxas. The guy's a whore. I mean look at him, those pants couldn't be lower on his ass. He's got to have so many STDs that he's not even safe to touch." He still seemed sore, but I guess who wouldn't be. I kind of felt bad but the more I casually glanced at Axel the more I felt less and less sympathy for the jerk gripping my ass.

"Let's go chill somewhere, hu? Get away from these guys."

More like let's go somewhere and have sex. I wasn't falling for his tricks, not like he's never played them on me before.

"No, thanks. I'll stay right here." I went to move from his grip again and he pulled me back.

"Roxas, you're not going to get another chance like this. Just give it a try; I'm sure you'll like it."

I shivered as he smirked, his hand traveling past my waistline.

"Don't touch me…"

"I'll touch you if I want to."

Tears threatened to pour down my face like waterfalls as I scared away from him, cowering against the wall like a dog about to be whipped. He grasped my wrists in his hands, facing me dead on and I was almost afraid of throwing up in his face. My whole body was shaking; the only thing keeping me up was Seifer's grip.

"Terra…help me…"

"Look, Seifer, I don't think he wants any."

"Terra…?"

"No, the name's Axel. Got it memorized?"

"Get the fuck out of here, Axel. You plan on fucking Roxas too?"

"No, but it kind of looks like you're about to rape him. Just saving you from a jail sentence."

"Thanks, but I think I'm good."

"Let go of him, he's fucking crying."

"_Get out_!"

"_Let go_!"

Seifer was knocked to the flood, blood spilling from his mouth and lip. He looked unconscious from what I could tell by my blurry eyes. And when I looked to my savoir I saw Terra standing next to him.

"_It'll be okay, Roxas." _

"It'll be okay, kiddo."


	2. Paradise Lost

x-x

**Chapter Two **

_Paradise Lost_

x-x

* * *

"So, why did you call me Terra earlier?"

I froze when he finally asked that question. It was hard for me to hear a total stranger say his name, especially this stranger. The redhead had helped me out of the hideout and took me to a small coffee shop that he apparently knew very well. He told me the people there wouldn't ask about me not being in school. And I…just went along with it. I wasn't even really questioning myself on the matter. Why I followed this man around. Why did he catch my interest so much? Even after what Seifer said about him. Now it's not like I trusted Seifer, but I really doubt he'd lie about something so close to him. Besides, he wouldn't have any reason to lie about the redhead.

Anyways he took me here and bought me a cappuccino. I guess he felt bad for me; either that or he was as captivated by me as I was of him. I mean he was like a God, bright red hair, tear marks tattooed under his eyes, earrings throughout his ears, skinny jeans… Anyways, I wasn't about to ask him, I had stayed silent in the questions category. Only talking when he asked me a question and making the answers as short as I possibly could. For some reason he was asking me a lot though, which brought me back to the fact that maybe he actually wanted to know about me and not just fuck me afterwards…

"Not gunna tell me that one, are ya?" Axel spoke again and I blinked to get myself out of thinking so much. I just needed to calm down, it's not like I was alone with him.

Yet I didn't want him to think I was some kind of weirdo…so I tried hard to answer. "I don't like talking about him."

The redhead understood instantly and didn't question me about him any further, which I commended him for. He started again with the polite small talk. I followed along as best I could. An hour passed quickly, was I too busy staring into his apple green eyes? I tried not to but I couldn't stay away from them for long. It was a little too weird for me and that was when I noticed…Terra had been silent this whole time…that usually didn't happen. Was he mad at me?

"Okay so let me get this straight, you're sixteen, you attend Twilight High. Live at home with your mother, the eternal bitch, her husband and your step brother who's a complete spazz. Your best friends a bastard and you don't like Seifer but he wants in your pants because you're super cute."

Everything was right besides the last part which I guess he threw in to make fun of me? I don't know and I really didn't care. I needed to go somewhere and talk to Terra. Face to face.

"I need to go," I said, standing up.

Axel looked surprised. So much for me trying not to be a freak around him, it was inevitable I suppose… "Oh…okay, no problem. Hey uhm, would it be weird if I asked for your number?"

Oh so now _he_ was worrying about being weird…

I shook my head, he smiled and handed me a pen. I looked around for paper when he held out his arm. "I don't mind being paper once in awhile," he chuckled and I hesitantly reached out to hold onto his skin. Touching him was…something different, I have to say…it made me want to forget about Terra and stay here just to touch him more. Shit did I really just think that…? I slowly ran my index finger across his arm as I wrote my number on the peachy skin. It was hard to let go, but I did and he just smiled again.

"Thanks, Roxas. See ya around?"

"I don't know…maybe."

"I'll make sure that maybe turns into a yes then."

"O-okay…" I waved stupidly then exited the building. My hand went straight to my pocket and I pulled out my cigs, quickly shoving one into my mouth I lit it with ease. It was easy to walk but hard to think. The nicotine was helping with that but I just couldn't seem to get my thoughts straight. Axel was attractive, yes I'm not going to lie and say otherwise. And sure, maybe I had a small crush on him, but why was that so hard to comprehend? Maybe because I never thought I'd like anyone after the accident. Maybe I thought I'd be afraid to love again…

_"Roxas stop." _

"Terra…" I turned to face him; he was leaned up against the side of a building, glaring. I suddenly felt like total shit. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…"

_"Shut up, I don't wanna hear apologizes." _

"If I would have just stayed in school Seifer would have never brought me to that point…I wouldn't have met…" I got choked up suddenly; unable to say his name like it was some kind of curse.

Terra's frown grew and I felt my heart sink. I upset him, of course I did. I love him and I go and flirt with some stranger who could possibly be a creep. I was Terra's and Terra was mine. That's how it was going to be for the rest of forever.

_"Don't talk stupid, seriously Roxas, do you even hear yourself think? You don't belong to me like some pet. I'm pissed because I don't trust that guy and you trusted him with whatever the fuck he wanted to know!" _

"I'm sorry! I wasn't thinking I just…"

_ "I know what you were thinking, Roxas. I'm always in your head, dumb shit."_ It went quiet for a bit until his stated, _"You like him."_

"I don't."

_"Don't fucking lie to me!" _

"I don't even know him, how can I like him?"

_ "You think he's hot, you wouldn't mind if he fucked you, would you?" _

"Shut up, Terra! You fucking asshole! Shut up, shut up!"

_"Don't tell me to shut up when you're the one lying to yourself and me!" _

I had nothing to say because no matter what I said, Terra wouldn't believe me. He heard what I was thinking. He heard whenever the redhead did something _exactly_ what I thought about it and what reaction I wanted to play out. Terra was always there. Never gone. Existing without existing. Only in my mind. So if someone walked by they would believe that I was arguing with the fucking wall right now. But Terra was real and there was no way I could ever be alone again.

_"Is that what you want? To be alone, Roxas?"_ He didn't look upset anymore, just tired and well, sad…

I shook my head no. "I just…" I couldn't finish…I don't even know what I wanted to say in the first place.

Terra pushed himself from the wall and walked towards me until he was close enough to touch. _"I'm sorry…"_ he said, running his fingers through my hair, I could feel wisps of air but no real contact. _"It's like I'm trying to control you when it's your life to live. I guess I just feel like because I saved your life that I have to keep it extra safe…" _When he went to hug me I almost convinced myself that I'd feel it. I didn't though, just those familiar drafts of air all around me which gave a reminder that he wasn't really living. Thanks to me.

* * *

"Didn't see you at lunch…" Sora's voice filled my ears as he opened the door to my room.

My eyes flew to the wall, avoiding him as best I could. "Don't tell Mom…"

"Why shouldn't I, Roxas? Do you not understand how important it is to finish high school? It's not just something you can throw away and be fine without!" Dammit, I hated it when he shouted…

I stayed quiet, not wanting to upset him further. I'd already had such a long day and although I deserved his scolding I really didn't need it. I understood exactly what he was saying, what everyone was saying, including Terra. Without a diploma I'm like a rock. Useless and unattractive. Still, it didn't give me any motivation to make myself more attractive…what did I care?

"Skip again and I will tell Mom. This is your last chance, Roxas. Don't fuck it up."

He left my room quickly, closing the door behind him. I felt my eyes close and my teeth clench. I didn't do so well with last chances. Soon I'd spend it and fuck things up, just like he said…

_ "You aren't going to fuck things up; I'll make sure of it." _

"Terra, you can't be my guardian angel, you're a fucking ghost…"

_"Who ever said I was a ghost? Maybe I am an angel,"_ he said, smiling and walking over to sit on the bed next to me.

"Where are your wings, angel boy?" I joked, sitting up I curled up as close to him as I could.

_"Uhmm…"_ He glanced as his back as if wings would suddenly burst forth. I started laughing and he grinned. _"Maybe they just haven't grown in yet."_

"Right, well guess we'll have to wait and see then, hmm?"

_ "Yeah, guess s—" _

My cell phone tone stopped him from finishing, which was weird. I hardly ever got messages or anything. My phone was just meant for Mom yelling at me or Sora, either of the two. I was on Sora's plan anyway, so he paid for most of it, him having a job helped. Unlike me, the lazy bum.

When I picked it up I think I heard Terra growl.

"Unknown number…it's a text."

**What's up, cutie?**

Seriously…? "Who the fuck is this?"

_ "Like you don't fucking know, Roxas. Take a wild guess." _

Shit…Axel. I had almost forgotten about the redhead. When I looked back at the phone I felt nervous and scared. My heart sped up and I put the phone back down. "I…don't want to talk to him right now, I'm talking to you."

_"How about you never talk to him? You giving him your number was another thing that pissed me off." _

"Terra you almost…sound jealous."

He quickly looked away from me and stood up. Maybe that was a bit too much… _"I'm…not jealous. I just don't trust him. He's nothing to be jealous of."_

"Right…"

It was silent then and for some reason it was driving me insane. Usually silences with Terra were peaceful and normal. This time made me want to pull my hair out and shout at him to talk to me.

_"Calm down, Rox. I can feel you shaking." _

Another weird thing about us_—_he could feel whatever I felt. If I was cut, he bled, if I was scared, he was freaking out with me, when I cried, he did as well. It was like we were one, combined by an unbreakable, invisible bond made of love and friendship.

The ringer went off once again and my hand was just itching to pick it up. I wanted to see what he was saying. I wanted to know what he thought. I wanted to talk to him, if only through texts.

_"Pick it up, it's Hayner,"_ Terra said sternly and I did.

"Hello?"

"Hey…Roxas, I wanted to apologize for today. I was stupid and being just retarded and yeah, I'm sorry…we cool?"

Of course, the beaten dog crawls back to his master, loyal as always. "Yeah…we're fine."

"Awesome! Thanks…So like, I heard you were seen leaving the school with Seifer today before lunch…?" It was a question, which he just wanted me to confirm. But I wasn't going to.

"No I didn't. Left 'cause I was feeling sick."

"Oh…seriously? You alright?" He'd believe anything I said…

"Mhmmm, just fine. But hey, I have homework to do. I'll see you tomorrow, kay?"

"Yeah, sure thing, Roxy. Love you."

"Bye, Hayner."

I hung up quickly and threw the phone onto my bed.

_ "He says he loves you yet you continuously lie to his face…" _

"I'd say the same thing to anyone else. I don't want people knowing I was with Seifer, no fucking thanks."

_ "I just find it ironic is all, not like I feel bad for the douche."_

I was silent, not knowing what to say. All I felt like doing was texting Axel back…

_"Go downstairs and eat, Roxas, you haven't since this morning. Take your phone if you want, I'll talk to you later." _

"Wait…Terra…" It was too late, he was already gone. I sighed and reached out to the place where he just stood. Faded into oblivion, just like always. Sometimes I wonder where he goes…

Terra's mention of food really made me realize how hungry I was though. I glanced at the phone on the bed and grabbed it before I left my room. However, as I descended the stairs I only lost my apatite as soon as I saw _him_.

"_Riku_? What are you doing in my house?"

He smiled from his spot on the couch, waving slightly. "Heyyy, Roxas. I forgot you lived with Sora. Long time no see."

"No fucking shit you forgot. Answer the question."

Riku closed his eyes and shook his head back and forth. It was sad that I knew this guy so well, without even really knowing him. Hayner and I would party with him a lot in the past, I remember kissing him quite a few times, and then he'd kiss Hayner and every other person around with lips and a halfway decent face. The guy just bugged me and him being in my house almost sent me over the edge. "Sora invited me over to help me with my Trigonometry."

"Oh right, since Sora can defiantly help with Senior work when he's only a Sophomore."

"He told me he was good with shit like that, so I agreed to let him help, Jesus Rox. You need to chill." And he needed to get the fuck out of my house.

I glared as Sora entered the room, two lemonades in his hand. "Oh, hey Roxas," Sora smiled as if our little fight hadn't even happened. "This is Ri—"

"I know who he is Sora. Please get him out as soon as possible."

I left the living room, suddenly feeling like if I turned around I would see Riku sucking off my brother's face. It was hard to resist the urge to. When I entered the kitchen my phone went off once again, I almost felt popular for a second. It was the same number as before and I quickly opened the message.

**Hope you know this is Axel from today. I really suck at texting, heh…**

I let out a small laugh and opened my phone to text back.

'No, I know it's you. I'm no good at it either. I'm more of a talking on the phone kinda person…'

I sent the message then quickly regretted it. That sounded so stupid. I should have asked what was up or how he was doing. Not just talk about myself like a retard.

I shifted towards the fridge to keep my mind off of the text, rummaging around for anything that looked good.

"Roxas! I'm making tacos in about an hour if you can wait," Sora called from the living room. Well at least I knew they weren't making out yet, that was reassuring.

I grabbed some Doritos from the cupboard and called back to him, "Okay."

The phone rang again and I quickly decided to set it to vibrate; the ring was starting to annoy me. 'Then we should talk on the phone sometime.'

I froze as I shoveled the chips into my mouth, sitting up on the counter. Well shit, he took that the wrong way. I didn't mean I wanted to talk on the phone with _him_…well, wait…Maybe that _is_ what I meant…I thought about it but couldn't come to a conclusion. Or at least a reasonable one. Sure I didn't mind talking on the phone with people I knew. But I didn't know one thing about this guy except his name. Maybe…I could find out more though…

I suddenly felt Terra listening to my thoughts, of course he was there. Probably getting more pissed off by the second. I felt bad, but almost like he didn't really have the right to be mad at me…maybe it was just stupid, but I did feel it.

I waited for a response from Terra but got none. I guess he really was pissed, and that scared me pretty bad.

My phone sounded again and I read the message.

**Or we can just talk in person again. For some reason I kind of hate being away from you.**

I didn't know how to feel when I read that. Was that supposed to be sweet? Did he expect it to be charming? Supposed to make me feel special or important? Well…it did. I was blushing. What the fuck was wrong with me?

Looking around like I was afraid of Terra appearing, I jumped from the counter and ran back up to my room, locking the door. I threw the phone on the bed and planted my face in the pillows, growling to myself. This was weird. So fucking weird I couldn't stand it anymore. Terra acting strange, this Axel guy flirting with me, school, my psychotic brother inviting that douche over _my_ fucking house! Sometimes I really wish that Terra hadn't stepped in front of me that day…life would be a lot easier if I didn't have to live it.

_ "You make it extremely hard not to talk to you for an extended period of time…" _

"Terra…" I turned towards him; he wasn't even looking at me. "I missed you."

_"It was like fifteen minuets, Roxas." _

"Still…" I sighed and went to grab his hand. Mine went through his of course, but I felt I needed to at least throw in some kind of endearing gesture. Since I was being such an asshole and all.

_ "You're not. You just like him, I get it." _

"I told you, Terra. I don't know him so—"

_"Just wait, I can feel it coming and I can't stop it." _

The way he talked made it sound like it was inevitable. Like Axel and I were meant to be. It kind of made me sick. Since that night a year ago I knew that Terra was and would be the only person out there for me. Even if Terra was dead, he would still always be in my life and I in his. Like I said before, unbreakable bond. And I never even thought that I'd meet anyone else that I would even think of being with. Hayner was a different case, I felt nothing with him and most of the time he'd force me into shit or get me dunk or high first so I really wouldn't know what the fuck was going on. This…Axel guy, I don't even know if I thought of him that way. Maybe I never would. It confused me just as much as it did Terra and it only made me scared the way he talked about me and him.

"Can we…change the subject?"

_ "…Sure, why not." _He left behind silence until he decided to speak again suddenly,_ "So uhm…how 'bout them Lakers?" _

I giggled a little, "They _suck_!"

Terra and I ended up talking a lot that night and I actually wound up eating tacos with Riku and Sora. And Riku really didn't bother me so much; he kept trying to act nice around me I think. And I kept waiting for him to go back to his asshole-ish ways, but he never did, the whole night he was polite and caring. Maybe he really had changed, its not like I'd hung out with him recently. Though as I sat and eat the Mexican food my brother had cooked, I started to realize something. Something between the two of them that just…wasn't so normal—like friends normal I mean. Had Sora really just met Riku? It was like they were even more buddy-buddy than Hayner and I, not that that was saying much, but still. I even started to think that the two would be…cute together. And that sounded really gay.

As the day was coming to a close I soon came to realize that I hadn't texted Axel back. It'd been almost five hours and I hadn't touched or looked at my phone. He probably thought I was ignoring him on purpose, figuring that he was just some pedophile looking for a quick catch. It made me feel like a jerk, I had to fix it before it was unfixable. I grabbed the phone, I had no new messages. My assumption must have been right, he'd just given up.

Too bad it was so hard to think of something to say. Should I apologize for not talking to him for so long? Or should I just act like I was busy and I didn't even notice the long gap of time? Obviously I was thinking too much about it, something I did much too often.

"Whatever, I need a cig…" I grabbed the pack from my drawer and went outside. Times like this really made me wish I could just light up inside the house, but my mom would kill me if she knew I smoked, let alone in the house. Sora kept it a secrete only because I didn't smoke in the house so I guess smoking outside wasn't so bad.

Nicotine flooded my system and I started to think straight again.

_"You know that shits bad for you…" _

"If you knew what it did for me you'd love it too, Terra." I blew out a long hit, watching as the smoke faded into the distance.

Terra sighed and sat next to me on the porch. _"I'll only ever love you."_ I blushed stupidly and took another hit to hide it, flipping my phone around in my hand. _"So what are you going to tell him?" _

I sighed and glared at the phone. "I don't fucking know…he goes and throws something like that in my face, like I'm supposed to react normal to it. This guy really doesn't think right. It's like he's..."

_"In love at first sight…" _

I glared at Terra this time. "Give me a break…that's the dumbest thing ever."

_"Hey if I were in his shoes I'd be trying just as hard." _

"So why didn't you when you were alive?"

He thought for a moment, his head in his hands. _"I guess…I was afraid of change. I was afraid of what people would think. I was stupid…even though I knew I liked you I wouldn't do shit about it because I was scared. So I just tried to ignore it." _

"And that's why you dated Aqua."

_"I did love her, just not in the way that I loved you. …If I hadn't had been so scared this would have never happened. I brought it on myself." _

And there he went, blaming himself for what _I_ had done. I hated it. He knew I did. Because it wasn't fucking true.

_"Get some sleep Roxas. I'll talk to you tomorrow." _

"…Goodnight."

He left and I stared at the phone once again. It was almost ten and there was still school in the morning. I opened up a text message and wrote:

**Meet me at the cemetery across from the school tomorrow at 3:00 sharp. I'll be there. We'll talk.**

**

* * *

**

School sucked. Waking up sucked even more. Dragging myself out of bed, showering, half-assed eating breakfast, it hardly felt like I was getting used to this at all. I stayed in school for the whole day and I actually sat next to my brother and his hyper friends at lunch. I really don't like his friends much; they're too loud, too perfect, too smart, too talented, too pretty…

"Roxas, how do you like the sound of this, 'A new year means a great new opportunity for improvement!'" Namine was a small blonde who was in the pep club. I wasn't really listening but I guess she was thinking of some kind of poster slogan.

Sora had to nudge my arm to get my attention. "Uhm, oh yeah, sounds great."

"You really think so?" She looked so excited; I kind of wanted to tell her how dumb I thought it was just to wipe the smile off her face. Though I refrained from being an asshole for Sora. He hated it when I was mean to his friends.

So instead I just nodded and she squealed some more, averting her attention to her other friends to ask what they thought as well. I quickly glanced around the lunch room, spotting Seifer finally. For awhile I thought he hadn't come to school because of what happened. I was almost scared to look at him for more than a few seconds. His eye was blue and purple, his lip swelled, I turned away so that he wouldn't realize I was staring at him. I had a feeling he was going to come over and make me look the same.

When the lunch bell rang I was the first up, throwing away my trash I quickly went to my next class, praying that Seifer wouldn't somehow catch me from behind.

Three o'clock wouldn't come fast enough. Really I was just excited to get out of school and more…nervous to go see Axel afterwards. Maybe I could just pretend I forgot and ditch him…but how low would that be? I'm already low enough, no need to steep further down. And Axel didn't need to know what an inconsiderate asshole I was. I mean he'd find out soon enough but he didn't need to know now.

Finally it was time to leave and once again I was practically the first person out of the school. When I was outside I could finally breathe again, I felt fine. Seeing Axel wouldn't be so bad.

I only had to wait a few minutes before Axel showed up. He drove a red convertible. Goddamn. It…really matched him. As he got out my stomach dropped and my heart sped up. Fuck, why was he so good looking?

As he walked closer and his smile grew I was really hoping that he'd hug me for some reason. But that would be a little weird right? I mean I'd just met him, but really, I wouldn't mind a hug…

"Hey, kiddo." When he reached me and ruffled my hair with his fingers; I waited a few moments before swatting his hand away playfully. He laughed and put his hands in his pockets, staring at me. "So the cemetery?"

"I like it here," I replied simply, shrugging.

He laughed louder this time. "Friends with the crows?"

"It's peaceful…it's not like I like being around dead people." Well, never mind. Terra is dead and I love him…

"Well that's good. Wouldn't want you to turn out to be a necrophiliac."

I rolled my eyes. "I wouldn't go that far."

Axel smirked. "And how far would you go?"

"I dunno," I began, turning around so I could walk along the path, "Sex with living people isn't so bad." But I'd so have sex with Terra if I could.

"Sex, huh? You talk pretty grown up for someone so young," he said, walking beside me.

Either he was saying I was young compared to him or he was just making fun of me. "How old are you anyway?"

"Twenty-five."

Wow, so he's eight years older than me. He hardly even looked it. Actually when I first saw him I thought he was around nineteen. "I thought you were younger."

"Oh did you? Are disappointed?"

I shook my head. "No, I don't mind age."

"Sometimes I do…" He sighed and kicked a pebble on the ground, "Everyone I end up liking is a lot younger than me."

"Like that one boy?" I asked. I don't know why I brought it up, it was probably something that I didn't even understand and shouldn't get into. Wasn't my business anyway.

Axel looked away from me, as if he knew what I was talking about instantly and was embarrassed about what Seifer might have told me. "Seifer said something, didn't he?"

I nodded and went for my cigarettes as soon as I saw the gazebo. I had smoked so many there. Sitting and crying. Crying and smoking. It was sad, really.

Axel watched as I pulled one out and lit it, quickly blowing the smoke into the air. "You know smoking when your younger is just gunna fuck things up even more in the long run."

"A nickel for every time…Don't change the subject," I said, jabbing the cig close to his arm.

"Alright, alright," he said defensively and started the story, "It was last year. Seifer brought him and I thought he was cute, sure. He…kind of looked like you actually." I raised an eyebrow and he quickly continued, "Anyways, he left Seifer as soon as he'd shot up too much heroin. I saw him stumbling over to me and I couldn't shove him off, it's not like I was sober. Seifer was oblivious and we snuck into a back room for awhile. Yeah, I fucked him. I don't remember him saying no. I only regret it because I hadn't even gotten to know him before he died the next day in a car crash."

"Is he buried here?" I asked.

Axel shook his head. "I don't know. I never looked into it. I'm not really a funeral kind of guy."

"Oh." I hiked up my backpack some; the stupid books making the straps dig into my back. Really, I thought nothing of Axel's story. Shit happens, shit would always happen. And it wasn't anyone's fault in particular even though people are so willing to blame each other. The fact is if Seifer wasn't such an asshole his boyfriend wouldn't seek anyone else out. Yet still Seifer blames Axel for his faults. It's just how the world works.

"Want me to carry that?" Axel asked, taking out one of his own cigarettes. Marlboro Smooths. Not a bad choice.

I shrugged and let him carry it; maybe I was too impressed by his cigarette preference to give up his offer. I laughed a bit when he put it on. It was kind of old, checkered white and black, worn and shabby. He almost looked like a high schooler.

"What?" He smiled even though I was laughing at him.

"You look even younger now," I pointed out, taking a drag from the cig. He followed my drag with his own and grabbed the straps with both hands, letting the cigarette hang out of his mouth. "No one messed with me at school 'cause this was how I walked around." He made a tough guy face and let myself laugh at him again.

He was silly and stupid, and this was probably the most I'd laughed since before the accident. Maybe that's why I liked being around him so much. He made me smile, genuinely smile. Terra did too, sure, but there was only so much I could laugh about with the boy that I killed. Axel was so full of life and I never knew what he was going to do next. It was almost exciting just to be around him.

"So are you going to see anyone while you're here, Roxas?"

Though that was one question I didn't want him to ask I still acted like it didn't faze me. It's not like I felt obligated to go to his grave every time I came here. Going there now actually seemed pointless. All that was left was his bones and just thinking of that made me sick.

"No," I said finally, "I see him enough as it is."


	3. Hopelessly

x-x

**Chapter Three**

_In Love_

x-x

* * *

Knives. For some kids they're best friends, others are only tools used to open those packages that never seem to open unless you throw them at the wall a few times to loosen them up. Some people won't even go near them, "No, it'll cut me! Keep it away!" To me though, knives were always there and always would be. I constantly carried one in my pocket right next to my cigarettes and my lighter, even in school. Knives were easily there, you could simply whip one out and defend yourself, really I didn't understand why it wasn't mandatory to have one on your person at all times.

I flipped the pocket knife around in my hand, staring at the "Sharp" label, as if I didn't know it was sharp without reading it. I smirked and opened the knife, watching it glint in the moonlight from Hayner's back porch. I then proceeded to flip it again but made it do three circles in the air before catching it again on the red handle side. Pretty impressive, huh? But it's not like I'd sit around and practice that for hours with nothing better to do since I didn't have any friends and my mother is too cheap to get cable or internet. Nope, defiantly not.

"Hey faggot." Hayner's voice interrupted my thoughts so I turned to look at him. "Get the fuck back in here, the weed isn't going to smoke itself."

Don't ask me why I'm here because I don't even know myself, especially while Hayner is smoking because Hayner and drugs don't mix well at all. He invited me to a "party" at his house, which consisted of Riku, Pence and Olette. I guess it was kind of ironic that they were all stoners because it wasn't much of a party in there as much as it was an old folk's home. I pictured all of them sitting on the two couches, staring at each other with blank faces. Maybe they'd whip out bingo, oh joy.

"I don't feel like smoking," I told him aloofly, spinning the knife around again.

"Stop being so fucking emo and put the knife away."

"Did you know that you can swallow a pint of blood before you actually get sick?"

He looked pale. "No, but that's disgusting. Quit the emo shit, Roxas, seriously."

"Call me emo one more time and we'll test out my theory on you."

Hayner glared. I just loved messing with him when he was high. It totally downed his mood, which somehow upped mine. "I'll be inside having fun then, Roxas."

I watched him leave then stared back down at my knife. It was funny how people stereotyped just by what they saw or heard. And the stereotypes were the funny part. Emo, goth, prep, punk, skater, popular. Whatever anyone saw is what they called a person, even without meeting them or getting to know them first. Now I don't mean to rant or anything, but people are just plain fuckin' stupid.

Someone sat beside me, holding a cigarette; I turned to look but looked away quickly. It was Olette. Olette had been my friend for awhile now, though we had just recently stopped hanging out, I guess you could say since Terra died. See when Terra died, I died too, in a weird sort of way. I stopped talking to people, stopped smiling, stopped laughing, stop hanging around my friends. I guess I became an introvert.

She handled her cig with just two fingers, dangling it over her feet, her knees up to her chest. "Hey, Roxas. How goes it?"

I shrugged. "Been better."

"Yeah, I know. Hayner's parties can be pretty lame."

I laughed slightly, a fake one that I had practiced a lot. "I know, he likes to pretend he's popular and has more than four friends."

Olette giggled. I missed that sound over the months. "People like him; he's just a little awkward at first."

"He's always awkward around me."

"How do you mean?" she asked while blowing out smoke.

"He's still trying to get with me even after everything that's happened…" I said slowly.

Olette just smiled and took another hit off her waning cig. The smell of weed on her shirt was driving me crazy. "Have you talked to him about it? Maybe he just doesn't get that he doesn't have a chance with you."

"Yeah right," I scoffed, pulling out my own pack of cigs, "Hayner will never get the hint."

She sighed and patted my head as she stood up. "Just be happy Roxas. Life is too short to be otherwise."

I "hmmm"ed and she left me again to be alone on the back porch, unlit cig in my hand. I waited awhile, maybe expecting another to come out and engage in some light talking, but no one did. I predicted that Pence had already passed out and Riku was messing with Hayner. Maybe he was his old self still; I really didn't want to know though. So I pocketed my knife, finally lit my cig, stood up and walked around the outside of the house, my bed and sleeping the only thing on my mind.

* * *

"Nggghh…Terra, fuck…"

_"Shhh…someone will hear you…Nnnn…" _

"Great…the last thing I want is Sora overhearing me masturbate," I sighed as I watched Terra's clear hand move up and down his shaft. It made me lightheaded so I pumped harder on my own. Terra moved his faster at my movement, it was like in unison.

You see, this is the closest thing the two of us could ever get to having sex with each other. I longed to touch him myself, feel his warmth myself; I imagined that I was inside of him, fucking him as I squeezed him.

"Fuck, I'm close…say my name," I ground out through clenched teeth.

_"Roxas…"_ It was faint, like the wisps of air I felt when he touched me. I shivered and gritted my teeth. _"Roxas…I fucking love you."_

I came. It felt great and I collapsed onto the bed next to him, out of breath as I heard him come seconds after me. These were the moments that were almost insufferable though. I hated just looking at him, lying there, not being able to feel his heart beat slow down, never feeling the heat of his breath on my cheek. I know he hated it just as much as I did. I don't know why we even continued doing this to ourselves, like it would actually lead to something. Both of us were stuck loving one another, like a curse.

"_You're feeling remorse?"_

"No," I said quickly, "Just upset."

_"Feels like remorse to me…"_ he replied.

"It's not, really…I just…" I turned from him, the bed sheets shifting underneath me.

I heard him sigh and the room felt lonely. I decided I needed at least twelve cigarettes.

It was warm outside, the weather usually stayed like this up until around November, December was filled with snow all the time. I liked it only when I didn't have to be out in it. For now I didn't have to wear an obnoxious coat or gloves just to go smoke a cig. I stared at the street lamp as I inhaled, wishing I was dead. I never understood why I kept on living when he wasn't anyway, it was selfish of me.

My head felt light and I stumbled down the sidewalk, kicking pebbles and humming a tuneless song. I flipped open my phone and looked at Axel's text from earlier.

**If your heart is a drug then I'm a downhill addict.**

I don't know if I thought it was funny the way he was toying with me or just plain stupid. Like I was going to give him anything he wanted. A friend? A companion? A secrete lover? I'm only Roxas. No one more and no one less. I'm not even sure if I could be what he wanted.

As I took out my third cig I noticed I was heading towards Hayner's. I think somewhere in the back of my head I wanted to see if he had anymore weed left. I hadn't been high in ages and I felt like being one of the stars in the sky. Or maybe even higher than one.

"Hey kid." I almost pissed myself when I heard some guy speak from beside me. I hadn't even seen him there, most likely because my hood was up. I ignored him at first. Nighttime and a creepy guy talking to me - it scared me. I think I heard his footfalls behind me though, "Heyyyy, kid." His voice was raspy and urgent.

"What?" I hissed, turning to face the man. He was tall and skinny with a giant "X" scar across his forehead. What the hell could have done that?

The man smiled and held out a bag of powdery looking crystals. It was cocaine. Shit. "I'm feeling generous this evening so I'll give you this whole bag if you give me a kiss."

I clenched my teeth together, the powder in the bag was taunting me, I swear. Kissing the guy didn't seem so bad; it actually felt lucky to me. Like my prayers had been answered by some unseen God. I nodded and approached him, dropping my half finished cig to the ground. He grinned and wrapped his arms around me when I touched my lips to his, standing on my toes. It felt strange; I could sense Terra's growing anger. I felt the man's hand go around to my ass; he slipped the baggy into my jean pocket as his tongue did the same with my mouth. It was much like kissing Hayner; like kissing a dog, all licky and slobbery. I felt nothing but business.

When he finally stopped I took the incentive and pulled away quickly, whipping off my mouth with my hoodie sleeve. I was ecstatic to have my prize in my back pocket, I felt like I had just won something after a perilous journey.

"Call me when you want more," the blue-haired man said as he handed me a piece of paper, like I was ever going to call him for more of his doggy kisses. I took it anyway, stuffing it in my pocket. I looked at him once more, his cynical grin stuck in my head, before running off back to my house.

It'd been almost a year since I'd done anything like this. I stuck strictly to pot and drinking after the accident, knowing full well of what I was capable of if I was on anything else. But this wasn't the first time I had craved going back to hardcore stuff either. Hayner had been pushing it in my face ever since, though he's mostly stuck on marijuana now and can't get off of it so it's not so bad anymore. And it's not like I'd ever been addicted to anything but cigarettes. A hit of pot there, some ecstasy here, maybe some heroin if we got the chance, but we never got hooked on anything.

I don't know if I was excited to take this drug or terrified.

Terra loomed over me like a dark cloud, watching as I crushed up the crystals with an old Wal-Mart gift card. _"Cocaine, hu?" _

I nodded.

He sighed.

"Don't fucking act like you're my mom. I can do this if I want."

"_I never said anyth—" _

"That was your disapproving sigh, and I can feel you're upset. I'm not stupid, Terra."

_"Roxas, you just made out with someone you don't even know and are about to use a drug that could really fuck you up. Yes, I'm upset. I wish you'd just stop and think about shit for once." _

"I've been stopping and thinking for a year! I'm fucking done, because you know what its worth in the end?" I turned to face him, anger in my eyes. "_Nothing!_ It's worth nothing just like my pathetic excuse for a life, so why the hell bother?"

"Roxas? Why are you yelling?" I heard Sora from the hallway; his footsteps were approaching my door. My heart beat loudly in my chest and I grabbed my phone, putting a piece of paper over the powder I had created.

"Nothing, I'm on the phone," I replied, calm as can be when he opened the door.

His eyebrow shot up. Sora had a good sense of when people were lying. Though it's not like he had anything else to accuse me of. "Stop talking to your imaginary friend, Roxas!" Yeah right.

"You usually don't talk on the phone. Who is it?" He sat on the bed, fuckin' great.

"A friend. Axel."

"Who's he?"

"A friend, Jesus Sora. Shove off."

"You're pleasant today."

I sighed and told "Axel" goodbye then threw my phone on the desk. "Sorry. Did you wanna talk or something?" I just couldn't help but be kind to him even if he was an annoying step brother. He was my friend and I did love him.

Sora shrugged. "Sure, how's things?"

"Fuckin' terrible." My answers were always so well thought out.

"Wanna talk about it?" he asked, crossing his legs like a six year old on my bed.

I stared at his chocolate brown hair then his sea blue eyes and frowned. "I wish I could talk to you about everything…"

Sora tilted his head, "Roxas, you can talk to me about anything at all. I'll always listen."

My heart sped up suddenly. This conversation was getting too serious. I wasn't about to tell my brother about the kid I'd murdered and that he still lives on in me and I talk to him like a freaking psychopath.

"The guy I was on the phone with, Axel. I think he likes me," I said, avoiding the Terra conversation all together.

He sighed and smiled the one that made him look so much younger than he was. "That's all? You take things too seriously, Rox." I rubbed my hand across the back of my head in pretend embarrassment as he spoke again, "Does he go to our school?"

I shook my head, "He's already out of school, and he has a car…a convertible."

Sora's smile turned open mouthed. "No way? Maybe he's rich. How much do you know about him?"

"Just that he's twenty-five and likes coffee."

"Twenty-five is a little old."

"Yeah, I know…"

"Where'd ya meet him?" he asked.

"A…party Hayner and I went to," I lied.

"Hmmm…" He looked thoughtful as he rocked back and forth on my bed. "Do_ you_ like him?"

It was my turn to look thoughtful. Of course I liked the guy, he was kind to me, why wouldn't I like him? But…did I really _like _him like him? That sounded so grade school. "I don't know yet."

"Then, you should get to know him some more. As long as you don't think he's out to rape you, I don't find any problem with it." He smiled like he wasn't talking about a twenty-five year old having sex with me.

"Sora. Let's not talk about sex."

Sora giggled, "Alright, Rox. Whatever you say."

"So what's going on between you and Riku, hu?" I decided to push the subject onto him.

I saw a blush creep over his face like when he had that crush on Kairi. Too bad she turned out to be a lesbian which totally turned him towards guys. He never told anyone, but I could tell. I mean, I was gay myself, even though I hated that word and would never admit it to anyone, so it wasn't hard. "Riku…he's...a friend, that's all."

"Yeah right."

"No, really!"

"You sure?"

He bit his lip, looking anywhere but at me. I knew he liked him, and I don't see how that horn-dog Riku could ever say no to my brother. "Well…"

"Ha, I knew it."

"I don't know if he likes me or not, I mean I really like him but…"

I shook my head slightly, smiling. "No need to worry, brother of mine. Riku's lucky to have someone like you crushing on him."

Sora laughed slightly, blushing. "Thanks, Rox. You always have your ways of making me feel better."

"Ditto."

He didn't stay much longer, just told me a bit about Riku. I refrained from telling him about my past experiences of the silver-haired boy, telling him we made out more than once might just throw him off. So I kept quiet, replying automatically as always was with Sora. Maybe it wasn't so bad that he stopped by.

After he left I stared blankly back at the piece of white paper on my desk, powder around the edges. My stomach churned. I quickly removed the paper and pushed all of the powder and crystals back into the plastic baggy. I held it over the trashcan and dropped it without another thought.

The top of my head felt lighter, air flowing around it. I knew his hand was there. _"Good job, Roxas." _

* * *

The next week passed by without much excitement. Besides for my ever growing hatred for the prison called school and Axel's texts growing to higher numbers every day, nothing really changed. It was Thursday by the time Axel had actually called me. When I saw his name on my screen I almost threw the phone at Hayner just to get it away from me.

Why the fuck was he calling me? Wasn't texting enough? Could I just ignore it? Say that I missed his call? Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

"Roxas that ring tone is gay as hell," Hayner reminded me.

"Almost as gay as you," I replied smugly.

He waved his hand in a homosexual manner, "Almost."

I decided to answer it finally. "Yo," I said calmly even though I was about to piss my pants.

"Heya, Roxas. What's up?" He sounded jubilant as always. It made me smile.

"Nothing really," I said, "Doing homework with a friend."

"Study buddy, hu?"

"You could say that."

Hayner glared at me. "Who the hell is that? You're smiling like a clown."

I ignored Hayner and lay down on the couch as Axel spoke again. "Busy this weekend?"

"You gunna ask me out?" I asked. I couldn't believe how calm I was acting.

"Only if you say yes."

Hayner was fuming, I was basking in his pissed off aura. "Well I can't say yes until you tell me what it is we're going to do." My heart jumped at the thought of actually going on a date with this magnificent human being.

"Well, I was thinking some kind of dinner…maybe a movie." He stopped and laughed nervously, I found it adorable.

"Roxas, answer me!" Hayner threw a pencil at me, he was about to get up, I could see it in his eyes.

"Shut the fuck up, would you?" I yelled back at him, chucking the pencil. He stood up and got on top of me, pinning me he reached for the phone. "Hayner!" He ignored me and snatched the phone from my hand, putting it up to his ear. It was my turn to be furious.

"Who is this?" Hayner asked into _my_ fucking phone. I watched as he glared at me then gave it back, he didn't move from his position though.

"I'm sorry," I told Axel.

He laughed richly, as if it was nothing. "I think Hayner may be a little jealous."

I smiled at Hayner. "Maybe a little."

"You guys aren't..."

"Oh! No. God no." I certainly didn't want Axel thinking Hayner and I were together.

"Haha, okay…good. Should I call you back later?" he asked.

"Sure."

"Okay, see ya, Rox."

"Bye," I said stupidly and hung up. I realized how girly my voice had become just from talking to him. Maybe I really did like him…

And Hayner was still sitting on top of me. "Get off," I said sternly.

"Axel, hu? And just where'd you meet him?"

Was he really playing the mom card all of a sudden? "Uhm, none of your damn business?"

The next thing I knew, Hayner had slapped me across the face. My eyes became wide and my cheek stung immensely as I stared back at him. "What the fuck—"

"You just don't get it, do you Roxas?" he practically screamed.

"What'm I suppose't—"

"_I like you_! I've liked you for years now! Do you even understand my feelings for you at all?" He started crying. "What do I have to do? How can I be good enough for you? Just tell me, please. I'll do anything you ask, Roxas, I swear. I just want you; I want you and only you." He kissed me and I felt his tears fall onto my stinging cheek.

It was difficult to understand all of that at once and as I tried his hand went for the front of my pants. He squeezed and I gasped when he finally let go of my mouth.

I don't know what the hell it was, but I was actually horny. Did his love confession for me turn me on? Was it just from talking to Axel for that short of time? The way he moved his hand around me made me think of Terra…

"You're hard, Roxy…" Hayner stated.

My face felt hot. "Sh-shut up…"

"It usually takes you forever to get hard…" He looked down at me, confused. "Does this mean…?"

"I…" I stared back at him, my heart was racing. "I don't fucking know, Hayner! You can't throw something like that in my face and expect me to act normally. You practically said you'd be my slave."

"I would…" He licked my neck and I shivered. "I'd let you fuck me so hard…then I'd fuck you."

Was he high? How come he's never said shit like this before? "Hayner…"

"Just tell me what you want, okay?" I glanced over his shoulder, catching a glimpse of sea blue eyes. Terra was crying. I was hurting him. I always hurt him so much.

"Get off…please…" I don't love him. Hayner is my friend. And no matter what he wants from me, I could never really give it.

He sighed and removed his legs from me. I swallowed hard and grabbed my stuff. I didn't turn to look back at him before I left, but I knew how he looked.

Desperate, empty, and alone.

* * *

I fell asleep as soon as I had gotten home. I remember I dreamt about Sora. He was falling and I couldn't help him. It was like every time I reached for him, I was always too far away. And when my hand finally met his, it went straight through. When I blinked and reopened my eyes, it was Terra and he fell instead.

My alarm clock, the damn thing, couldn't have gone off a second earlier, but I finally woke up to its loud beeping. "Fuck school," I said out loud. I had the intention to spend the rest of the day in my bed but then my phone went off and I read the text:

**Good morning, Roxas.**

Yeah. Maybe it would be a good morning.

I skipped breakfast and walked to school without Sora. I don't know if I was afraid of seeing him after that weird dream or I just really wanted to get to school. Okay, that was a dumb question.

When I reached school I didn't go inside. Instead I went out to the back where a small trail was, back in the tree cover. Every stoner in the school would always be back there for a cig before school. I had a feeling Hayner wouldn't be back here though, he never woke up this early.

"Roxas, hey." It was Riku, acting like he actually knew me and was my friend.

I ignored him and pulled out a cig, standing next to Olette who smiled warmly at me. "Haven't seen you back here since freshman year, Rox."

I shrugged. "I always have time to smoke before school."

"Soooo…what's up?" she asked, smoke billowing from her mouth like a chimney.

"Just…avoiding Hayner," I told her shallowly. I kind of felt assholish for it. Maybe I should talk to him…

"What'd he do this time?" She made it sound like it was a recurring event with Hayner and I. And maybe it was, I just didn't notice.

I breathed in the toxic chemicals and smiled sardonically. "He made me horny."

She raised an eyebrow at me as Riku came up behind us, puffing on his own cancer stick. "What're we talking about? I heard horny."

"Shove off, this isn't your conversation," I growled. I was seriously about to punch him. So we had bonded a little over tacos and my ADHD challenged brother, whoop-dee-flippin-doo. I wasn't his friend and he wasn't mine.

"C'mon Roxy," he purred, placing his hand on my shoulder. I clenched my teeth together to stop myself from mauling him, "I'm sure I've made you horny before too."

My eyes flared like two firecrackers and Olette giggled slightly, the nervous one where she knew something was about to go down and she had to stop it before it got ugly. "Allllright, Roxas. Let's finish your cig and get inside, okay?"

I threw what was left of it to the ground and stomped it out. "You could ever only make me _sick_, Riku." I spat at his feet and turned around, walking with Olette towards the building.

"We'll see about that, Roxy!"

_Fuck_. Him.

It was warmer inside but it only made me feel disgusting. I didn't want to be here. Didn't want to deal with people. I hated people. I hated school. I hated fucking _life_.

"I cannot believe Riku!" I practically shouted as Olette sat me down beside my homeroom.

She sighed and ruffled my hair; it calmed me down for a second. "Forget him, Roxas."

"I thought he changed…" I swallowed and fidgeted with my fingers, my backpack digging into my back uncomfortably. "He was just fine with Sora over my house the other day. What the hell changed? Is it because Sora wasn't around? He would have never—!"

"Roxas!" Olette grabbed my shaking hands and looked me in the eyes. "Calm down, sweetie. You're gunna be fine."

Olette was really like a mom to me. Why had I ever stopped talking to her…? "Sorry…" I apologized and took a deep breath. "I'm…sorry, I'm just so sick."

"Sick…?" She put her hand to my forehead.

"Of everything."

"Oh, come on, Rox." She smiled and wiped something off my cheek. "You're making everything too big of a deal than it should be."

Maybe she was right. Maybe I was just a fucking spazz. Maybe I…needed to lighten up some. The bell rang and I stood up, holding out my arms timidly. She quickly gave me a warm hug, one that I really needed. If no one else would hug me at least Olette would.

"See you after school?" she asked, her bangs slightly falling in her face. Her hair had grown so much from the last time I'd seen her. And since when had she started wearing flowers behind her ear?

"Yeah. Wanna walk home together? Oh," I reached for my phone and gave it to her. "Your number. I don't have it."

She bit her lip and smiled, typing the number into my phone's memory. "Sure. I'll text you, then."

I nodded and said goodbye, heading off to my homeroom for the day ahead.

* * *

"_So, friends with Olette again? I'm glad. It seemed you guys stopped talking after I died." _

"I never stopped being friends with her…We just grew apart." I picked up a book and threw it across my room, searching through the others as I waited for my phone to vibrate.

"_I know. That's what I meant, though." _

"Mhmm. I missed her," I said in all honesty, tossing another book.

"_You're throwing these books like they're balls of paper. What're you looking for?" _

"Nothing," I said quickly.

Terra laughed at that. Obviously he could see through my lie. I don't know why I even tried. _"No, really, Rox." _

"Do you remember that letter I got from Olette last summer?"

Terra became solemn, _"No. What letter?" _

I chuckled slightly, to show it was nothing to be serious about. "I put it in a book when she gave it to me. The one that I used to read all the time. I used it as a book mark."

"_You used to read?" _

"Hush it."

He smiled and I felt better. _"So why do you want it?"_

I looked at him, confused. "Why don't you just read my mind?" He usually never had to ask me questions like this, he'd just know them on the spot by listening to my thoughts.

"_I'm…trying to do that less. I know how much you don't like it. Personally, I think it would get annoying too. So I'm blocking it out." _

"You can do that?" I had always figured my thoughts were meshed with his. I didn't know he had the option to not listen in.

He nodded slightly. _"I'm trying."_

It actually gave me a sense of privacy for a moment. It was exciting.

My phone finally went off and I grabbed it quickly, "Hey, Axel." I said, leaning the phone against my shoulder.

"_Roxas…you never answered my question. Don't make me pry…" _

"Hey, cutie. I missed your voice."

I blushed and gave Terra the one minute finger. "You ever going to stop saying stuff like that?"

"Mmm…don't think so. It'll probably only get worse." I could practically hear him smiling. I really was kind of sick of just talking over the phone with him. I wanted to see that smile with my own eyes. "So, how does tomorrow sound? I can pick you up. Just gunna need an address."

Oh God. I have to tell him where I live. Does that mean he'll…visit randomly? Jesus Christ, how am I going to handle that? My hair looks like shit as it is, I'd freak if he came over.

"_You sound like such a girl…" _

"Ugh, Terra!"

"There's that name again."

"Sorry Axel, uhm, my address is 4560 Autumn Wood trail."

"You know, I'm probably going to find out sooner or later, sure you don't want to tell me who this Terra is?"

I cringed when he said Terra's name so lightly and Terra cringed right after me.

"_Why don't you just tell him?" _

How could Terra even say that?

"I…" Axel was silent on the other end and I felt so stupid for making him wait, he probably thought there was something wrong with me. "I'm sorry, but I can't…"

Axel sighed quietly and I felt terrible. Maybe I… "Don't worry about it, Roxas. I'm sure you'll learn to trust me with time. I want it to grow so I'll be patient, I promise."

No one had ever said anything like that to me before…it shocked me, to say the least. He wanted me to learn to trust him? I didn't trust anyone…no one but Terra…

"You alright, Roxas?"

"Y-yeah…"

"Sorry, people do say I can be a bit overwhelming sometimes."

"No…" I tried to think of something halfway decent to say without sounding stupid. "I think…it's really…flattering."

It was quiet for a moment before he spoke again. "Good. That…is good, right?"

I laughed a little, he was so…different. "Yes, that's a good thing."

"Alright then! So tomorrow, eight sharp, kay?"

"Sounds great."

"I'll see you then, Roxas."

"Bye, Axel."

I hung up and sighed heavily. Talking to him was…defiantly different. Never had I been so nervous with anyone before. I never had to think before I spoke prior to meeting the redhead.

"_You going to answer me, finally?" _

"You going to tell me why the hell you said what you did?"

I glared at Terra; I could feel my anger turning into his. Why did he always have to interrupt me when I was talking to Axel? Why was Axel such a big deal to him? Why couldn't I just be happy?

"Just admit it Terra. You're jealous. Admit it!" Why was I yelling at him…?

"_I'm…" _

"You don't want me with Axel because you're afraid that I won't pay as much attention to you, right? You're afraid I'll like him more, maybe even love him?"

"_You're right. I am jealous. I'm jealous that that stranger gets to touch you and hold you when I'm stuck just looking at you!"_ My facial expressions lessened as I listened to him. _"I'll have to watch, just like with Hayner, as he fucks you, while I sit and wait to die. Only this time, you'll actually be in love enough to forget about me and maybe I really will have to finally fade away." _

"Terra…I…"

"_Just shut up, Roxas. Shut. Up." _He looked away from me as if he were ashamed somehow.

"Terra…come on!" He turned, tears in his eyes that were soon in mine. "Don't you understand that I would die for you? If me dying could bring you back, I fucking would, Terra! And there is nothing in this world that I want more than you. But how can I have you when….when _THIS_!" I stuck my hand right through his chest. I was breathing heavily, tears streaming down my face. He didn't look as phased as I did, though…I could feel that he was. "How can I be happy when all I have of you…is this…?"

Hopeless. That was the only word that the two of us were. Hopelessly in love. With no way in and no way out.

* * *

The next day I slept in till noon and it felt great. Besides for the fact that Terra and I weren't talking, sleeping in really made me feel better. I figured that the whole me-and-Terra-not-talking thing would only last for a bit, I wasn't worried much. Maybe I was just too excited to see Axel, which kind of made me feel like a jerk.

When I checked my phone I saw there were eight missed calls from Hayner and one text from Axel. As always. The text from Axel said the normal, cheery greeting: 'Morning Roxas. Can't wait to hang today.'

I was a little apprehensive to check my voicemail. I dreaded listening to eight most likely very long messages, with Hayner sobbing and begging me to let him back. I was almost certain that he would be at my door sooner than later.

Ignoring my growling stomach and the fact that I was half naked, I started picking up the books I had been throwing last night. I never did find the letter from Olette that I had been looking for. I don't really even know why I was looking for it in the first place. Did I want to reminisce that bad? Maybe I just needed a moment in the past.

I stacked up the books on my shelf neatly and sighed. The past wasn't going to come back, so why did I always search for it like I'd lost something in it? Nothing I ever did was going to change anything.

"Roxaaaas! Are you up yet!"

Well if I hadn't been up _that_ probably would have woken me up. Sora screams like a girl, only louder.

"Yeah," I half-way yelled back. I hated yelling in the house.

I heard footsteps up the stairs, quick like little toddlers feet. I braced for impact. "Moooorning sleepy head!"

Sora launched a small blue ball at my bed, which I wasn't in anymore. His face fell when he turned towards me, standing by the book shelf, grinning. "Oops, ya missed," I said almost smugly.

"Dammit, that would have been a good one…" he pouted.

I laughed slightly. "Yeah, for you. You are such a spazz, you know that right?"

"Yeah well you're a lazy bum, its noon! That's lunch time!"

"I'm aware." I walked over to my closet, slipping on a black T-shirt over my skinny torso. My ribs had become a lot more prominent over the past few months.

"Hungry?" Sora asked, picking up his ball and throwing it down the stairs.

I shrugged. "Not really. Hey…can I borrow some cash?"

His messy brown hair shifted on his head as he tilted it. "What for this time?"

Yeah, I borrowed money from Sora a lot. It was either that or I'd resort to selling my body for money. I thought asking Sora was the better choice. "I'm deathly low on cancer sticks."

"Oh, woe is you, Roxas. I'm kind of sick of having your black lungs on my conscious."

"If it wasn't you it'd just be someone else. I'd ask Hayner but we're kind of…in a fight."

"When are you guys ever _not_ in a fight? You're like an old married couple."

"Oh God, please don't say that." That was the last thing I wanted to hear.

"Alright, Rox. This is the last time though, and then I'm buying you the smoking patch!" Sora skipped out of my room and I sighed. Sora was usually pretty seriously about shit like that. I didn't want any Goddamn patch…

The rest of the day floated by in a cloudy mess. Sora gave me a ten, begging me to spend it on something that would help me rather than hurt me. I told him I'd buy a V8 after I got cigs.

Around seven I was anxious and almost dreading seeing Axel. It wasn't that I didn't want to see him, but the feeling in my gut wouldn't go away as hard as I tried. I had never been nervous like this before. I'd…never been on an actual date before. What was I supposed to do? How was I supposed to act? I wasn't the kind of person to be graceful on a date at a restaurant or talk like I was supposed to or any crap like that. It…scared me. I didn't want Axel thinking I was some kind of wash out. I only desperately wanted to get to know him.

While Sora was helping me pick out something to wear, my door opened. My heart stopped as I turned to look at the two adults standing there. Cathy and Tim. Sora smiled, I only turned away again.

"Hey, boys," Tim spoke first, I expected that. In a way, he was more of a parent than Cathy ever would be.

"Dad!" Sora exclaimed. They hugged and I cringed. It was just weird to see love between adults and children. "Why are you home? I thought you worked tonight."

"It's nice to see you guys once in awhile, right Cathy?" I just loved how he threw in the "you guys" comment. As if he actually knew me and wanted to see me.

Cathy just nodded; I tried to look busy enough to ignore them.

"So how's it going, sport?"

"Good. Are you going to make dinner?" Sora sounded so excited. Even though he was a twig, he freaked over food.

His dad laughed hardily, "Yes, what do you want?"

"Spaghetti with meatballs!"

"Alright, kiddo. Is that okay with you, Roxas?"

I sighed when he spoke my name. "I'm going out tonight."

"Where to?"

I spun around and glared at the two, Tim's long arm around the woman next to him. It made me sick. "None of your business."

"Roxas…" Sora looked up at me then down again, disappointed in my words.

I just didn't see the need to explain things to him. He wasn't my dad; I didn't have to tell him what I was doing. Besides...it was my personal life. Me and Axel's special night, I wasn't going to have it ruined by a, "You can't go!"

"I need to get dressed. I'm leaving in less than an hour."

"Where are you going, Roxas?" Cathy. So she actually decides to speak to me? What a surprise. Someone call child services, she might actually be on to something here.

"Movie. With a friend. Now get out of my room." That was about as nice as I was going to be and if they didn't listen to me, shit was going to hit the fan.

Cathy looked upset, like when she used to take the knives from the kitchen drawer and threaten me with them. I still have a few scars on my shoulders. "You do not talk to me and your father like that."

Every fucking time we talked we fought. Why did she even open her damn mouth? "Shut up. I don't give a shit what you say."

"You want to be on the streets!? You ungrateful little—" Tim stopped her from saying anymore. In a way, I kind of liked him. As far as adults went.

"Cathy, he's just a boy."

She glared at him then me. I hated how she looked just like me, only old and with lines on her face from all those times she would frown at me. I wanted so badly to flip her off. It was kind of fun to mess with her since she couldn't do anything to me anymore with Tim around. With someone to arrest her around. If only he knew what a devil bitch she could be.

"Why can't he be more like Sora…?" she whispered to him, though I heard just fine.

And why couldn't she be more like Tim?

Things became quiet and I heard my mom start crying. The fake one that she always did so that people would pity her. Too bad it never worked on me.

"Come on, Cathy. You can lie down and I'll get started on dinner, okay Sora?"

Sora nodded without looking up.

They left and I felt a huge weight lifted. I tried so hard not to hate either of them, but when all I can picture is my own mother screaming and my blood on her hands, it's hard to even think of her any other way. Maybe Tim would be a good thing for her. No one has ever actually been that forceful with her. She needs someone to tell her when to stop.

Sora sighed and glanced at me, those big puppy dog eyes bore into me like lasers. "Dammit Sora, don't look at me like that…"

"I hate it when you guys fight…"

"Well I hate her and she hates me. What else can I do?"

"At least…try…"

It was hard to say no to that. Really hard. But I hated lying, and I wasn't about to lie to my brother. "Sora, I can't. I'm sorry."

"But…you never know….maybe she'll change. Maybe things will be different, maybe—"

"She will never love me, Sora! Never! She's hated me since I was born. All I can do is accept it and move on."

Sora swallowed and nodded; walking towards me he placed his arms around me tightly. I fell into his embrace. "Its okay, Roxas."

I could only ever pretend that it would be okay. Nothing in the world was capable of that. Especially for me. No matter how hard I tried I knew that it would never be "okay."

The door bell rang and my heart sped up ten fold. It was only 7:30. Was Axel that early?

I prayed to God that Tim wouldn't answer the door but then I heard it open. "Roxas, its Hayner."

"Shit, really…?" I sighed and bit my lip. I didn't have time to deal with the little punk right now, Axel would be over soon.

"What're you gunna do?" Sora asked, letting go of me.

I looked around the room, my clothes lying on the floor. I had thirty minutes to convince Hayner to leave, get dressed, do my hair, brush my teeth, and set things slightly straight with Terra.

_Great_.


End file.
